What happens when Jian Ghomeshi asks you a question? If you’re me, you answer. What happens when that question is “Once you’re a minister aren’t you always a minister?”
Well that’s another story…
We should probably start at the very beginning. The moment on Saturday at 2 am when I was lying awake in a very comfortable hotel bed having a tiny freak out because I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep because it was the big day, the day Blissdom Canada arrived and I was uncomfortable thinking about walking into a room of bloggers and laying claim to who I was.
That’s the crazy thing about blogging. Everyone says you have to define your goals and ideals. They tell you to set reasonable expectations for yourself and reach for your dreams. I’m told I should brand myself and throw this ‘brand’ out into the universe. I have not done this nor have I ever done self promotion. I had the feeling that I was going in not knowing who I was or what I wanted. I went to sleep hearing all the ways that I had failed myself as a blogger.
With very little sleep I managed to walk into the conference on time. I worked my way through early morning sessions and discovered unique ways of connecting with readers through Facebook. I was inspired by a creative writing workshop and left for lunch knowing that I wanted to write, that I am in fact a writer. But I still had this lingering sense of discomfort with the ‘branding’ aspect. Many large corporations attended the conference. I kept hearing how we were ‘people of influence’ throughout the day and I knew that if this was true I did not want to use my influence to just promote a corporate identity. I want to use my influence to help make a difference in the world.
After lunch I returned for the speaker I most wanted to hear, Jian Ghomeshi. If you’re not a CBC nut like me you may never have heard of the radio program ‘Q’ on CBC radio. I love ‘Q’ and love listening to it’s host. His voice is smooth, like butter melting on a warm roll it lingers in the room and prompts you to listen. As I sat through his entertaining talk on his book, 1982, I enjoyed myself. The thing he said that really caught my attention though came during the Q&A session following his presentation. Someone asked what the common thread was between all the people he interviews on his program. He stated that he was surprised at how the most brilliant, creative individuals were often the most neurotic and were seemingly never satisfied. He said that being neurotic was part of being creative.
For me this was wonderful news. I may have a touch of the neurotic in me. If I’m honest it’s probably more than a touch but isn’t it great news that the creative process seems to require some struggle?
After the talk I went downstairs and met my husband and son in the lobby. I had intended to leave but there was a book signing upstairs and my husband {good man that he is} encouraged me to get my book signed. I went back up, and nervously stood at the very end of the line. When I reached the front I was the last of a very long line of people. He might have been tired and ready to leave but regardless he was gracious and kind. We chatted a bit. He asked me where I was from and noticed my blog on my name tag. Asking a few questions about my writing led to the discussion of me leaving ministry to stay at home. This led to the question:
“Once you’re a minister aren’t you always a minister?”
After spending the day telling people I was a stay at home mom who left ministry or a writer of sorts I was called to account by a man I had never met nor would even have expected to talk to. He continued asking questions and pausing at the most appropriate points to get me to open up. There is a lot I could learn from him. In the end I was forced to admit that yes I still am a minister, that yes I still do work and no I will never leave it behind. Things I wrestle with here on the blog but never really seem to come to terms with were discussed at a book signing with the man behind radio Q. Slightly embarrassing or just the way God works?
It would seem that Mr. Ghomeshi’s best skill is getting to the heart of a person. With a few questions he was able to find my heart and force me to see what I am. Then he signed my book which was of course the reason I stood in line. I left Blissdom with a sense that no matter where I go or what I get involved with, no amount of branding or success will change who I am. I am a slightly neurotic, unsatisfied minister who always wants to push things to the next level. I am dissatisfied with the way things are in this world and I want to make things better for all people, in all places. I have dreams. I have desires. And someday I’d like to write a book but we’ll have to see if that pans out.
Mr. Ghomeshi left me with these words and I have to agree, it is calming to know you are neurotic…
