I had written a piece about ownership and taking control of my life last week. Looking back on that post I find myself laughing. I haven’t owned my life or been in control since I wrote the piece. I never found time to edit it. I am only now writing because I’m ignoring Lord Business on the couch across from me and the pile of baby toys on the floor. I begin each day with the intention of carving out some time for me. I intend to write. I intend to read. I intend to move through the day with ease and grace. These are all wonderful intentions. How the day usually unfolds is closer to chaos than ease and grace, well grace is given from God and not necessarily seen in my movements and living.
We’re happy here. We live a good life but it’s crowded. It’s overfull. Personally I feel stuffed to the gills with things to do and things that are happening to me. I started out this year intending to take ownership over my days. Intending to be the captain of the ship so to speak. I was going to take back the house (sometimes I feel as though I’ve lost it to therapy), invest my days in things and people that mattered, really focus on the stuff that counts. I haven’t had time for any of it. If anything since the first of the year I’ve discovered that I have no ownership. My days are not my own. I may make decisions but in the end things are often out of my control and I have to have faith, I have to trust it will work out when I let go and surrender.
I suspect God is laughing at me right now. Surrender is something I’ve always struggled with and if you’re a regular reader you know that. Turning over my life and control is not easy. Maybe my word for this year should be surrender. Maybe I need a reminder that sometimes dreams change, life isn’t always easy and surrender is important where God is concerned. Surrender is important. I also know I’m not the only one who has struggled with this. The Israelites wandered for 40 years before they got where they were going. I don’t really want to end up like them though. Hopefully I can learn this lesson before 40 years is up. Wandering in the desert really isn’t my idea of a good time, be it real or metaphorical.
