Sunday morning rolled around like it does every week. We got up and ate oatmeal. Enjoyed a leisurely coffee and then as always one of us (usually me) looks at the clock and we realize we must race to get ready to make it to the church on time. We slid into the pews at the back, greeted my mom and settled in for announcements. When the minister (my dad) asked who had an anniversary this week I was super grateful that he had forgotten the anniversary in my life. My hands slid under my bum and I shrunk down. It’s been eight years. It’s been a long time. This week, eight years ago I was ordained. This week I’ve been doing a lot of thinking around this and I wasn’t ready to to talk about it.
Eight years ago I stepped into what I thought would be my life, my calling. I figured it would be an adventure of sorts. I felt completely unprepared and I wasn’t. I have learned over the years from many mistakes and would say that I’m much better at certain things now than I once was. I have some joys to look back on and other things I regret. It’s been a journey. It’s been something.
I’m a little unsettled about it all if I’m going to be honest. I’ve worked full time in ministry for 25% of the time I’ve been able to. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I didn’t expect to have things work out the way they have. No one does, do they? It’s a beautiful life I’m living so I can’t complain. I have a lovely family and our days are filled with joy and laughter. There are joy-filled moments, hard moments and all kinds of other moments in between. I’m not sad about things, more reflective as I reach this milestone. I seem to have lost my voice in the midst of all the things happening around me. It’s interesting and sad and perplexing really.
I think this is why I call Autism the great silencer. It’s funny when you think about it. As X. develops more and more skills involving communication I feel as though I’m loosing my ability to communicate. The farther away I get from things the harder it is to fight my way back to where I was. I wonder what happened to the things I felt I had to say, to do, to be. I wonder why God at times seems so silent. I wonder when I will find my voice again.
Eight years ago this week I was ordained. Why? I’m not entirely certain.
I suppose God knows.
One day I may know as well.
One day the answer that I seek will likely arrive in a most unexpected way.
One day I will know.