My thoughts are a little disorganized this week. Anyone who enters my home could see that. I’ve decorated for Autumn. I’ve made cookies and homemade pizza with fresh cashew mozzarella. I have tidied the front hall and organized my shoes. I’ve held dance parties with my boys and built cities out of blocks. I tend to distract myself when I can’t quite find a starting point. We’ve had fun though and I’ve been productive. I’m still not where I want to be with regards to sermon prep but honestly I’m ok with it as it will come together.  If you do the work it does come together. Some weeks take longer than others and some sermons take a little more musing but I have found that if you let your thoughts and notes sit for an extra day instead of forcing the words to come it works out better in the end.

What does this have to do with you? Well maybe nothing but if you are like me perhaps this is will serve as the reminder you need to allow yourself a break when things aren’t quite working the way you want. Often it’s in allowing ourselves time to do something completely different that the answers come and our issues seem to find new solutions and different paths. Life’s funny that way. Alternatively if you’re moving along nicely with no issues or need to stop, stop anyways. Enjoy a few moments to yourself and have a dance party. The energy you get from stepping back will only fuel you that much more as you travel forward.

There are moments in each day that grab hold of me.  It might be something as small as the fragrance my coffee releases as the cup tips towards my mouth.  It could be a surprise sentence from either son, fully formed and wonderful crafted.  Many nights it’s simply settling in on the couch beside my husband as we look to enjoy a few moments as adults together.  These moments aren’t big moments but they are the moments that make life.

We often think life should be more than it is.  That we should have more, be more, accomplish more.  We often live in the future instead of the present. Thinking about the next thing, the next task, the next moment and never really allowing ourselves to appreciate what’s happening now. It’s culture really. We’re been raised in a culture which values movement towards and often fails to see life happening in the now. When we live this way we miss the moments that make life.

Take this moment.  The one we’re in right now.
Breathe.
Breathe in and feel that breath hit your lungs.
Give thanks  for that breath.  Give thanks for this moment.
You are alive.
You are alive and living.
You are alive and living with a purpose.
A purpose given from God.
Breath.

How weird was it for you to stop? How weird was it to breathe and think about breathing?  Did you do it?  Or were you thinking about getting to the next part, getting to the end of my writing?

It’s hard to stop and breathe. It’s hard to be present.

God made us, shaped us and created us with a plan in mind. We forget that sometimes.  We forget God’s investment in us.  We’re all so worried about the future that we fail to see God in the now and this is killing us. Slowly, moment by moment we are being pulled away from the God who is into a future that is yet to happen. We fail to see what is happening now because we’re consumed with what ifs and definitely maybes.  The truth is there are few certain things in life but there is one thing we can rely on. God is with us. God is here.  Let us live in this truth.

“…all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  Psalm 139:16b

This is for the man who approached me after Church today.  To you I say thank you. I really mean that thank you, I do.

While you were concerned I would be offended by your comments it was in fact the complete opposite.  I appreciate that you chose to speak to me. I am grateful that you listened to what I have to say. It gives me comfort to know that when I was a little lost up there trying to come to a conclusion, you were right there with me.

I really got into the message today and that threw me off track a bit. I could blame it on the heat; it was a scorcher.  I could blame it on my early morning walk; I changed my routine a little. I could blame it on all kinds of things but the truth is it doesn’t matter what happened, I was a little lost in the conclusion and you were right there with me.  You knew it, and were paying attention!

The truth is I hear a lot of good job, great work or thanks at the door.  When someone takes the time to point out a specific line, or mention something that mattered I listen and am grateful.  Today you were with me and stayed with me to the bitter end.  Thank you for that.

You asked me for five minutes less next time. I can do that. I will do that…hopefully!

I have a problem with pacing.

I discovered this recently when I began my 7000th attempt at learning how to run.  I recently read an article on pacing and how as a new runner it was important to take walking breaks, to run a little slower and basically not beat yourself up so badly when you begin that you don’t want to return the next day and the day after that.

This insight extends far beyond my desire to run 10k after only a few weeks of running.  The idea of pacing really is something I need to extend into my everyday life.   I need to learn to take more breaks.  Sometimes I need to slow down the speed at which I do things.  Many times I should be more aware of the people around me and the pace they are able or willing to maintain.

It’s hard at times.  I’m an intense, goal oriented individual who desires to make a difference where possible and contribute wherever I am.  This is good/bad.  In my son’s therapy it can be good as I throw myself into it 120% but sometimes when we’ve hit a season of slower growth I find myself worrying and wondering how, what or where we should go to help him move along.  Sometimes speed isn’t necessary and in the last year and a half I’ve found myself learning how important it is to let ideas percolate and skills build before moving on to the next step.

It’s evident in other ways as well.  At the church we attend I’m not a pastor, I’m a congregant but I volunteer and run the Church School program.  We’ve gone from 3 kids to 11 in the last two years and while that is a small number to some, it’s a success story for us because there are others who float in and out who I am sure will eventually stick around.  I’m thrilled for the kids as they have a small group that’s big enough to do things.  They love one another and support each other as they journey in faith.  Oh they bicker and complain at times but they really do know and care about where they are and what they are doing.  If one misses, they are called on it.  They are missed and it is made known.  Because of this unit, this support that they have I find myself struggling once more with the pacing.  I find myself pushing the pace just a little too hard.  I want more volunteers, more support for them and if I’m honest it’s because I am worrying.  I worry what will happen when I’m gone.  Will it continue?  What will happen to it?  Who will run it? I could go on but I think you see where I am going with this.

Here’s the funny thing though.  There are no plans to move.  Our parents are here and we’re happy in our community.  If I did happen to move to Hawaii for fun there would be more than enough time to pass it off to someone else and our church is good, someone will do it.  So why do I worry?  Why do I fret?  I know others can do it.  Why can I not let it go?

It’s part of my personality.  It’s part of that type-A control freak that lives buried deep within.  It’s just something I do.  It’s something I do and it’s something I have to stop.  Worrying is not Biblical.  Worrying is not faithful.  Worrying is not healthy for me.

My brother is thinking about attending Knox in the fall.  He’s beginning the long and winding road towards finding out who God wants him to be within the context of the church and this week I was thinking back to the passage that God me through Seminary.

“The grass withers and the flowers fade but the word of our God stands forever.” – Isaiah 40:8 NLT

It’s such a strong verse.  A convicting verse.  A realization that no matter what happens, no matter where we go, what we do the seasons will continue and God will stand forever.

I need to sink into this verse once again.  I need to print it and stick it everywhere.  I need to acknowledge that it is not me, or you or anyone else who carries this faith.  It is God who gives, who takes, who embraces and who grants.  We need to lean into and latch onto whatever it is God is doing with us.  We need to let go of our controlling tendencies and embrace new ways of doing things.

I’ve been listening to some podcasts lately.  Podcasts by leaders across the country and there’s one thing they all seem to be saying.  In order to be successful we must let go.  In order for us to be truly effective, we must surrender and just be.

It is time for me to surrender or at least begin the process.  And begin I shall by praying for a heart that is willing.

________________________________________________________________________________

I’d like to thank you all for reading my blog.  Because you read what I write I am motivated to continue writing and as a result I won an Award of Merit from the Associated Church Press in the category of Theological: DEVOTIONAL/INSPIRATIONAL (Short Format): All Media for my piece: His Name Was Alan.  I am very grateful to you for continuing to encourage, inspire and motivate me.