What if he wasn’t famous?

A few years ago I met Jian Ghomeshi at a book signing in Toronto. He seemed like a nice enough fellow, a little shorter than I imagined but there’s nothing wrong with that. He was publicizing 1982 and women at the blogging conference I was at were going mad for him. The reaction to him was akin to Bieber Fever. It was highly entertaining and his presentation was very engaging. I’ve always enjoyed his radio program Q and as a stay at home Mom is is nice to have culture to connect with at 10 am when dishes were being done. I guess you could call me a fan.

Yesterday afternoon as I was getting ready for a disappointing afternoon of fantasy football I discovered that Jian Ghomeshi had been fired by the CBC. Upon hearing the news I turned to my husband and said “He needs Olivia Pope.  If he’s been fired, that can’t be good and he needs Olivia Pope.” You all watch Scandal, right? No? Well here’s a quick backstory. Olivia Pope is the fixer. She’s the person you call when something goes catastrophically wrong and you need good press, some good fixing. Olivia Pope washes away your sins and crafts a better story, a better tagline for the blogs. Jian Ghomeshi needs Olivia Pope.

Over the past 24 hours statements have been released. He said he was innocent. That the behaviour was consensual. He claimed everything was on the up and up as far as he was concerned and his reputation was being tarnished by a venomous ex-girlfriend.  I heard his story and felt a little played. He is in the business of crafting words and these words were crafted perfectly.  Upon reading those words I knew he’d found his Olivia Pope.

I hate this part of nasty business. The getting people on side part. I suppose it’s necessary to save face and all. If what he said is true then he’s lost his job due to a smear campaign and that’s not good. His confession did exactly what it was supposed to. It encouraged people to side with him, to stand by him. As of this moment there are 102 032 likes on his Facebook post. These likes are people who can take his statement at face value and in many ways I admire that. They believe in him.

I want to be that person. I want to jump up and say without a doubt that I side with him. Truth is I’d love for Jian Ghomeshi to be back in the chair at Q knowing everything was a big misunderstanding but there is one question that eats away at the confidence in his statement. What if he wasn’t famous? Would everyone side with him then or would they listen to the women who claim abuse? Would they be willing to hear the other side of the story?

Regardless of right or wrong, this mess shows us how public a private life can become. Sometimes what you think is private becomes public all too quickly. This is especially true in today’s world of internet and instant media. Every decision we make has consequences and we need to be able to live with them should it ever come to that. Would we be ok if our lives were thrust into the public eye? Would we be able to accept the consequences?

I wonder what the response would be if he wasn’t famous? How many likes would be on a Facebook confession then?

Random thought: I feel like I should be writing a post about how Jesus is our own Olivia Pope. That he cleans up situations and makes everything sparkle again but that’s really not how it works, is it? Jesus forgives us and we’re all clean but if we’re honest about it we always remember and carry our past with us. Instead of hiding the nasty business Jesus helps us face it and makes it better because he accepts us regardless. Got to love that Jesus. He’s the crisis consultant we all need, isn’t he? 

He knows…

I think of my Dad when I hear the news about Ottawa. I call him almost instantly. They could be his friends. In days past it could have been him.

Tucked away in the corner of my bedroom it seems surreal. How could this be happening when life is so peaceful?  Soft breath rises and falls from the tiny one as he sleeps in his corner of the room. Giggles work their way through cracks in the house as my eldest works away at his task. This is ordinary life.

News breaks through the peace. There is violence and fear, terror and dismay. Articles are shared, news spreads and people comment on what’s happening instantly. Theories and ideas, suspicions and details move quickly. Some true, some not so true.  Everyone wants answers. Everyone wants to know the ‘why’?

I think back to my morning reading. I think of the mystics and their belief that if we dig deep, if we push past our sin we will find God. I wonder how deep we have to push to find God in this mess. I do not understand it. I do not understand this intentional wounding of others.

I turn to my prayer book. I open to the chapter on peace and find myself looking for words, looking for help on what to say, what to pray to God. I find a piece of a psalm. I read an intercessory prayer. I read it again.

O Christ of the poor and the yearning
Kindle in my heart within
A flame of love for my neighbour,
For my foe, for my friend, for my kindred all.
From the humblest thing that lives
To the Name that is highest of all
Kindle in my heart within
A flame of love.

J. Phillip Newell, Celtic Prayers from Iona

I think of this love.
I think of the love that is required of us.

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”

Matthew 5:43-44

I am reminded of the need to pray.

Not just for our country and the safety of it’s citizens.
Not just for peace and resolution to the crisis.
Not just for justice that satisfaction be known to those who seek it.
Not just for families of those who have lost and for the protectors which face danger to keep us safe.
We must also pray for those who would wound and destroy.

I pray for them that they might know a new way, a better way.
I pray that God would open their hearts to peace and understanding.
I pray that they would stop, they would think, they would see the people whom they are wounding.

It’s not fun to pray for one’s enemies.
It’s really hard to think about loving them but love is a choice and Jesus tells us to make that choice.
Sometimes I wonder about Jesus.  Does he know how hard this is?

Then I remember that tree.  I remember those moments where he hung dying, stripped bare and exposed to the world.

He knows hard.
He knows.

The margins

Yesterday at church a kind man took me aside after the congregational meeting and told me he thought I would benefit from building margins into my life.  He said he had done it as he needed some down time in which to really live and he thought I could do with some of that time. I laughed and said he was right but walked away without thinking too much about it. The day stretched on and I found myself bouncing from child to child, from the laundry basket to the dishes and trying to squeeze a few moments in to read my book of the week. It was not a Sabbath. It was another work day. I had things to do. I didn’t rest. Looking back I see that this is not good.

He was right, I need to build in margins. You know who else talks about margins, God and I should’ve been listening to him too.  I need margins. I need to build some breaks into my days. It’s in the margins of life that God is found. God can be heard there, embraced there, experienced there. When life gets over scheduled it can be hard to see what is happening, to embrace the miracle of the moment.

I’m going to work on building those margins in. I know that it’s needed. I cannot maintain this pace and expect God to keep up. God has asked me to slow down. God has asked me to take a rest. It’s time I stopped and listened to that. It’s time I stopped and listened to him.

I may be losing it…

I am tired. Really tired. My son is teething. I’m not sleeping. I make it through the day but find myself falling asleep on my poor husband every night while watching TV. It’s not a season for rest in this house. It’s something else altogether and in the midst of it all I’ve found myself thinking that I’d like to write a book. I think I’ve lost it, gone off the deep end. With everything that’s going on I don’t know that I have time but the thought keeps entering my consciousness and I find myself wondering how I could make it all work.

Pray for me will you? I may be losing it or I might just be starting something. Who knows but whatever winds up happening I must ask you to pray because I think that even if I don’t write a book, I’m stepping on a path to somewhere. I don’t know where that is yet but I have a feeling it will be an adventure.

 

IMG_2554

The hair dryer that wasn’t…

 hairdryer

About 6 months ago I bought a new hair dryer. My hair dryer had died and I needed to replace it. It happens from time to time. Usually every 2-3 years around these parts so I wasn’t concerned. This morning my new hairdryer died in a small puff of heat never to be heard from again. It is unsurprising. Things are made to be discarded and thrown away anymore. New things are enticing, exciting and make money for companies and stores. They are pretty and nice to have around. As things get older and worn, when the chips start to show and the fabric begins to pile we look for newer, better versions. Now I’m not opposed to new things. I love a new sweater when fall comes along and I enjoy getting trinkets for around the house. Sometimes new things are nice but it seems to me that we’re told we should always want the newest of things, the shiniest of objects, the most pristine, clean looking items you can find and that’s not necessarily the best way to live.

This desire for the newest and best of everything has leached into our lived far more than we realize. We’re always looking for something better it seems. We want a better job, better friends, better family, better circumstances. We think things should always look pretty and when things get tough it seems easier to cut and run. This leads to chronic dissatisfaction. No one is happy. It seems as though people are always looking for something else, something better and can I let you in on a little secret? Life while you are living it is almost never pristine. It’s not clean and shiny. Life is a messy, dirty, wonderful kind of chaos that happens while you are living it. If you’re always looking for something more, your not living something now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately particularly regarding faith. As I’ve been searching for new books to read and challenges to discover. I’ve come across a lot of books about God which promise happy days and sunshine if you just believe. They say if you follow God everything will be new and lovely and all kinds of wonderful. I have never met this God. The God I know is a worn in sweater kind of God. The wrap you up in memories and moments kind of God. The stick with you till the end and even further kind of God. I don’t need a flashy faith filled with empty promises. I need something more. Something that carries me beyond sunshine and roses into the strange places I sometimes wander into. I’ll grant you this God is more challenging. Instead of giving me stuff, he’s giving me himself. Instead of promising me a life of ease and prosperity, he’s offering relationships and growth. This God is hard work, good work and it’s a God worth working for.

You matter

fruit fly

You matter.

You may not think you do, but you do. You are important in this world. What you do impacts others and makes a difference in their lives. Don’t believe me? Think of the noble fruit fly. The tiny, insignificant bug that wreaks havoc on the average home. A bug so small you’d think you wouldn’t notice it but you do and in noticing you realize that there are overripe tomatoes on the counter that need to be dealt with.

You matter. You count. You do make a difference.

Go out today and be like the fruit fly. When people aren’t listening get in their face and make them hear what you have to say. Be a nuisance. Be persistent. Take that dream God has planted on your heart and make it a reality.

You matter. You were created for a purpose. Go live out that purpose and see what happens.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:10 NIV)

Envy rots the bones.

Like a tiny parasite, envy grows within you at first without you even noticing.  It buries itself deep within your heart and feeds on all those things that you admire and like about those around you.  As you feed it, it grows bigger and bigger.  Then it is everywhere and it’s true nature becomes known to you.  Envy has made it’s way into your life to bring you down.

Envy has struck my heart lately.

It’s not something I’m proud of.  It’s not as though I sit and make lists of things I want or places I need to go.  Envy hits when I least expect it.  When I’m on Facebook and I see something neat that a friend is trying in their church.  It hits when I hear of another friend’s child hitting a milestone for communication. I’m happy for these people.  I truly am.  But sometimes on the tough days a little envy sneaks in and I find myself asking the dreaded question of the ages, ‘why?’.

Why did I study for so long to not work?  Why does my son have to struggle?

Why?

Three letters.  Three small letters that grow and chain themselves around my heart leaving envy behind.

Comparison is not good for the soul.  No ones life is easy.  I’m sure there are some who look at mine and think that it is.  We all face burdens and circumstances that are challenging to us.  Avoiding comparison can help keep envy at bay.  I need to break free from comparison. I need to find peace where I am.

A heart at peace gives life to the body,
    but envy rots the bones. (Proverbs 14:30 NIV)

Today’s world is not one that really encourages deep satisfied peace.  Our Facebook feeds feed us the good news of each others lives and rarely if ever showcase the bad.  Media tells us we will be happy if we only have the right underwear, television or car.  Self help books tell us how to change ourselves into something better.  It’s all great but it doesn’t bring peace.  Peace comes from somewhere else.  Peace comes from someone else.

In my battle to beat the demon that is envy I find myself praying daily for a change in attitude, not circumstance.  While I cannot change what is, I can accept it and move forward from this point with a new perspective and hope.  After all I am not alone in this and there is one who knows what will be.  I must lean on him, let go of envy and fear and work my way into whatever plan he has for me from this point on.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)

The bag that was not functional.

I’ve been working hard at perfecting my sewing technique.  As my son’s therapy begins and our time attached to the house increases I find myself looking for things to do during nap time and sewing was one thing I’ve always wanted to get better at.  Yesterday during nap time I made this bag.

Bag

Looks good, right? The stitches are straight. The elastic is firmly connected at the seem. The interfacing is flat and functional.  Everything looks good in the picture. It looks like a clutch you could take out on a nice summer evening. It would be great on a nice summer evening if it wasn’t so large. I was going for a larger style but somehow managed to create the worlds largest clutch and it’s really not functional. I now have a lovely bag which is absolutely useless.

This got me to thinking. How often in our lives do we work away and toil at things which are going nowhere? How long do we continue to push ahead on projects that really should be left behind? I can see that there was a benefit to me in finishing this project. I worked on seams and linings. I was able to line up the button and make sure everything was the way I wanted it to be. There were things I learned and I’ll be able to take that into the next project. It wasn’t a total failure on that front but the outcome was not what I would have hoped.

This effort was a good reminder of was the importance to constantly check what it is I am working on and make sure it is going well and is headed in the right direction. This is true for sewing projects, parenting and my relationship with God. From time to time it’s good to evaluate and really see if I’m where I want to be.

How do you do make sure you’re headed where you want to go?  I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

What a week this has been {and a recipe for Chocolate Chip Banana Loaves}

It’s Thursday and I’m already wondering how we’ve crammed so much into this week in this house. On Monday I had an appointment with my OB who informed me that we should be ready anytime for the impending arrival of our child. I have to think this was a bit of an overreaction on his part as it’s now Thursday and he’s still cozy and settled with no moves to enter this world. Tuesday was filled with an assessment and analysis of our son where we had our suspicions confirmed that he has autism. This assessment was followed by lunch with my Sister and her husband and shopping and Costco. It was a busy day, a full, busy crazy day! Yesterday my son and I spent the day at home baking, playing with his monkey and pretend food, enjoying a visit from Grandma and reading some Harry Potter. It was lovely and full. We both went to bed tired and happy. Today is a quieter day yet I’m sitting on the couch after the delivery of our new stove contemplating contacting the insurance company yet again to ask if they’re ever going to come and fix our tiles and cupboards so we can put our dishwasher in. A lot is happening around here and there is much to think about.

There are many things to look forward to in the coming weeks and months.  With a new baby, watching our older son continue to learn and explore this wonderful world in which we live, a house that is complete once more and sunshine returning to our neighbourhood to look forward to I’m sure it will be wonderful. I know that as we live it there will be moments of exhaustion and pain. I know that some days will be better than others. But none of that matters, really. Life is filled with good things and bad. Life is busy days, quiet ones and all kinds of middle ground mixed in. It really is what you make of it and I am currently enjoying my last moments of relative ease with our number two son locked inside trying to make moments matter out here. One moment that mattered recently was baking banana bread yesterday afternoon. My son found the mashing of bananas fascinating and he eagerly awaited the first piece of luscious goodness. He was mildly confused when I referred to it as banana bread (as he sees bread as ‘bread’) but upon tasting it his confusion was cleared as he informed me it was actually a muffin and his world was ok again. This was a beautifully sweet, silly moment that helped me to realize that I may in fact need to haul out the loaf pans more often so he has more exposure to sweet breads!

I share this recipe with you today as it is one of the most versatile, delicious banana loaf recipes we’ve ever used. It’s healthier than most but not too healthy. The sweet crumbly texture is perfect if you’re looking for an afternoon treat. I made four mini loaves so we could freeze some for later and they were the perfect size for us as they prevent us from  over indulging at any one time.

I am hopeful that over the coming weeks and months my voice will return once more and I can speak on things beyond food. Now that the assessments are over and everything ready for the little one to arrive I anticipate my focus will return at some point. Until then I will bake and nap and enjoy some time in the sun.

Chocolate Chip Banana Mini Loaves
makes 4 mini loaves

chocolate chip banana loaves

Ingredients: 

  • 2 c mashed ripe bananas (5-6 large bananas)
  • 3/4 c white sugar
  • 3/4 c brown sugar
  • 1/4 c canola oil
  • 1 1/2 c soy milk
  • 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tbsp vanilla
  • 3 c whole wheat flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 1/3 c chocolate chips

Instructions:

  • Preheat the oven to 350.
  • Mix the soy milk and apple cider vinegar together and wait until it’s curdled before continuing.
  • In a large bowl combine the bananas, white sugar, brown sugar, oil, soy milk mixture, and vanilla.
  • Add in the flour, baking soda and salt.
  • Mix until combined.
  • Add in the chocolate chips.
  • Pour into prepared pans.
  • Bake in the oven for 50-55 minutes or until done.

Extra Information: 

  • You could make these into muffins or two giant loaves. It’s really up to you how you do it. If you make them into muffins they will take much less time to cook so I’d begin with 20 minutes and then see how much longer you think they’ll need.
  • If you don’t like chocolate chips you can throw in some walnuts, flaked coconut or just leave them plain.
  • In my oven these loaves take 55 minutes exactly. It may take slightly less or more time in yours. They are very moist and remain moist over a few days but this is dependent on not overcooking them. Don’t forget about them!
  • The riper the bananas the better the flavour. Use up those very dark spotted bananas no one will eat in this recipe. They are perfect for banana bread!

Absolute garbage…

Fan

I spent the last two days writing 1000 words on Lent, grace and Jesus. It doesn’t usually take me two days to write that many words and the awful truth is they were absolute garbage. I kept trying to edit and adjust but I knew there was no hope when my husband got lost reading it after he got home from work today. He very kindly tried to find something constructive to say but I knew it was bad and I told him so. He would not admit it but did not discourage my moving it to the trash.

Why was it garbage? Well I suspect it has something to do with the fact that industrial strength fans have been blowing in my house since Friday. The noise is deafening. I cannot think with the fans on. The carpet men told me today they could hear the noise as they were coming up the drive. I would leave and go write at Starbucks if not for the fact that I must be in attendance all day for the various insurance people who come in and out to check, fix and make arrangements.

Noise really prevents one from finding their centre. As I sit here in the basement with a little peace (as I negotiated some quiet time with the kind insurance man today) I can say I have found out why quiet time is so important. When we don’t set time aside to be still we can never truly find peace. Stillness is not just about being still physically, it is also about finding stillness in spirit. Finding a moment in the day when you can truly disconnect from the world and exist as you are. In those moments we find God. In those moments we connect with something greater than ourselves.

My noise right now comes from industrial fans but each one of us has noise, don’t we? There are obligations for work, family and friends. We have bills to pay, chores to accomplish and other things to do. The stress piles on, overwhelming us and we collapse into bed at the end of the day never having truly taken a moment to ourselves to connect with God and find peace. Quiet time is important. It’s essential. It’s life giving.

This time is absolutely essential to one’s spiritual and emotional wellness. Take it from me, you need it! Grab a moment today and spend time in prayer, meditate on a quote if you’d rather or crack open your Bible. Do one thing, anything that helps you find calm and peace. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference it makes to take a moment to yourself and connect with something beyond your present worries. It’s very nice to find space in your day for God.

Take it from me as one who has had peace ripped from them, you want to do this for yourself. Lent is a season of preparation and transformation. Help this process along by making moments of peace and connection part of your day.  You won’t regret it!